I had no intention of writing about this, but on my way down the mountain on Saturday morning, as I was admiring the beautiful sun rise, I felt the need to share this. I hope my experiance can help someone else. I know talking about it helps me.
On September 23, 1989, the day hurricane Hugo hit NY, I married the man who would be taken from this earth much to soon. Brian Keith Chewens SR past away September 24th, 2008. God decided to end Brian's pain in the same month that we got married, the same month both our children were born.
Looking back on it now, our marriage was never a happy one. Yes, there were happy moments. I would not go back and do it differently. I have no regrets. I am blessed with two amazing children, and a great deal of knowledge about the deceases my ex husband sufferd with.
I am not sure of the year, maybe 2004, Brian was rushed to the emergency room for what we thought was appendicitis. I'm a pacer, so I spent the night in the ER pacing back and forth, thinking about Brian needing 6 weeks to recover from surgery. Little did I know this night was only the BEGINNING of this chapter. Brian was diagnosed with colan cancer that had spread to his appendix. I got the doctor's report, researched his type of cancer, adenocarcinoma. I learned everything I could. I learned there was a very good chance this type of cancer would come back, and take his life. Several surgeries, chemo, tears, nights pacing, later he was in remition. -- While Brian was sick with cancer we got along great, we really pulled together as a couple-- When he went right back to his old habits, and behaviors I decided I could no longer subject myself, or my children to this lifestyle. I moved out of our home, with our children. Brian was rediagnosed about a year later. We were at a point in our relationship, by this time, that we could have a conversation without yelling at eachother. I am incredably greatful for this. Brian was afraid to die, & fought for his life with everything he had. In January of 2008 he was given 2 weeks to live. He lived 9 more months.
I am very glad that Brian was surrounded by people who love him during his last few months. I am incredibly great full for his baby brother, who cared for him with such love, & respect. I know that I wasn't strong enough to do that. I wasn't strong enough to be there when he passed away either. I am so great full that I was able to apoligize to Brian for the bad parts of our relationship that I was responsible for.
His death was hard on me, as Brians ex wife, we had a huge history. We had 17 years together. Even though I hated him, I loved him incredibly. I had remarried by the time Brian past away, it was hard for me to figure out my place during and after his death. After all we had a lengthy history, and I am the mother of our children. I think some people were surprised to see me at Brian's funeral. Some people I knew for almost 20 years walked past me like they didn't even know me. Oh well. That's a reflection of them,not me.
Yes, I had resentment towards Brian. I let go of my resentment. The only person they were hurting was me.
To those of you thinking about, remembering Brian today, his children, his mother, his brothers, his aunts and uncles, his friends,........I pray you seek and find comfort in our Lord. I pray Brian came to terms with his life, and his death. I pray his sins were forgiven, and God welcomed him into his eternal home. May you rest forever in peace, B.
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