Tissues, issues, yup I got 'em.

Tissues, issues, yup I got 'em.  Intersecting, when I was thinking about blogging I figured I'ld write about gardening, my animals, cooking........  All morning I thought about what to write about first, the list is miles long. I am feeling very overwhelmed to tell you about something I've struggled with forever, well it feels like forever. I am hoping my experience, strength, & hope will benefit others. That being said, I am posting about MY truth, or should I say my interpretation of my truth........... "The opinions expressed here were strictly those of the person who gave them, take what you like & leave the rest".........(words from my favorite 12 step program) abandon[ uh-ban-duh n ] verb (used with object) 1. to leave completely and finally; forsake utterly; desert: to abandon one's farm; to abandon a child; to abandon a sinking ship. Almost 6 years ago I made a choice to stop the crazyness in my life, & begin to work on me(cause nobody else was gonna).  During this process I realized one of my issues was abandonment. Here is what I learned;  As a small girl my mother was in & out of the hospital often, or atleast it appeared that way to the child who just needed her mom's unconditional love.  My mother committed suicide 10 days before  my 13 birthday. Yup that WILL give you some abandonment issues.  The few relationships I've had with men, boys, I always ended before they had the opportunity to abandon me. As I'm writing this I'm realizing that I left my first husband because he was an alcoholic &  addict, I  could no longer, after 17 years,  watch him spiral downward.  Is that really why I left, or is it because he was in remission & deep down I knew the cancer would come back & take his life?  Again, I had to leave him before he abandoned me. This is something I will look into deeper, or not.  My current husband ( I hate the way that sounds),  has traveled on business, & for pleasure.  He is one of those people who needs to "see what's over there", always wanting to see new places.  When he would travel without me I use to feel so abandoned, a horrible pain deep in my heart, he needs to get away from me, I'm such a horrible person......., he's never coming back.  When he was gone he would call me,I'ld be angry, have a bad attitude.  When he returned I would "punish him" ( again, bad attitude, just misranle to live with.    Time & time he left, time & time he came back. He LOVES & wants to be with ME??  Holy crap, I'm lovable. ( I'll write more about that later, maybe.).  This cycle has been going on for almost 6 years. I asked  "God I've looked at this, I've asked you to remove my short comings, WHY have you not taken this away, I don't want it any more, it's too painful.   The response God gave me was " I will not leave you". Wow!!!!!!  To me that was huge. God will never leave ME!!!!  People are people, they come & go, they have to take care of themselves too.  If that means going in the woods for a few days by himself, so be it.  If it means making $ out of town, then that's what it means, there is no reason for me to dig deeper into it.       I have learned that God will keep giving me the same test over & over again, it's my response to the question that I need to change. He will remove my shortcoming, I just need to let him.  He'll move the mountain, I need to bring the shovel.  A few weeks ago my husband went away, without me, for the weekend.  He called me while he was away & thanked me for not giving him a hard time about him needing some "alone time".  That made me feel awesome, seeing my recovery at work.  Today my abandonment issues are removed, tomorrow, well tomorrow we'll cross that bridge when we get there. (hey nobody's perfect)   In the beginning of this week my husband told me he wanted to go camping this weekend, he asked if I wanted to go. I thought about it, we have traveled a lot this summer, I would rather stay home this time. This morning my hubby jumped in his bus, dog in tow, without me.   Les I hope you enjoy your weekend camping & collect a little bit of serenity along the way. I will gather my serenity by canning something, sleeping late, hogging the WHOLE bed, spending time reading,  enjoying my teens & being grateful for the wonderful life God has given me.  ....."for it is the LORD your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.”