forgivness

 When I was an al anon new comer and heard, at a step meeting, to put myself on the top of my amends list I was very confused. Make amends to myself, forgive myself?????  I've done nothing wrong, I'm a victim.  Forgive others, after what they did to me, NO.

     Once I started working my steps putting myself on top of my list made so much since.  While doing my fourth step I realized I had a part in me being a victim.  I allowed myself to be verbally & mentally abused. I myself caused myself many hours of unnecessary pain. I made decisions for myself that caused me a tremendous amount of hurt.  Every day I need to put myself on top of my amends list, after all I beat myself up almost every day.

Forgiving others.......  I don't want to forgive my ........ for being so mentally abusive. I don't want to forgive my ............... for being an alcoholic and making my life miserable.  I don't want to forgive my neighbor for giving me a dirty look. If you had these miserable people in your life you wouldn't forgive them either.

 I need to forgive  people even though they never asked me for forgiveness. Hanging on to anger towards someone else hurts ME. I don't want to hurt any more.  I started praying for the people I needed to forgive.  Praying for God to help me accept them & their behavior. Praying for a loving heart. It's amazing, slowly I no longer felt anger towards the people I allowed to hurt me.

Recently, while spending time with my God, just him & I, I realized that people are human, people make mistakes. If God has forgiven me, who am I not to forgive others?

Happy birthday Wilma

       In 1982 my father reunited with his high school sweetheart, Wilma. Wilma's three children where already grown,  and out on there own.   This amazing lady chose to marry my dad and raise two more teenage girls, my sister and I.  Wilma became a part of my life when I was 13.  I am so very blessed to have this lovely lady as the mom who chose me.        Wilma took me to get my braces on when I was about 14, or 15.  On the way home we stopped at a little diner and got lunch. She sat there, very patiently, as I spent over an hour attempting to eat a burger.       I could not ask for a better mom. Happy birthday, I love you. 

Everything's gonna be alright.

We never know what God has in store for us. The last month or so I have had many let downs, many stumbling blocks I refuse to let these obstacles control me, and my relationship with God. God is not too interested in MY comfort; he's interested in my CHARACTER. I know, that my God is a faithful God & will bless his servants, if we just obey him.

About two months ago my Sister, from Florida, called me to tell me about my dad’s 80th birthday party. I disused it with my husband, we decided the youngins & I would make the 12 hour drive, in mid-October, to celebrate with my father and my family. About a month ago a friend of mine posted on Facebook that if all her friends sent her $1 she could get the camera lens she really wanted for her birthday. I stuck a dollar & some stickers in an envelope, said a prayer for her and popped the money in the mail. I told Krystal, my girl, what I had done. I also told her that God would bless us for doing this. Mind you that's not why I did it. I love this friend and I wish I could have bought her the lens myself, but I can't. Stay with me here. Three weeks ago, as I was headed to work, my car started acting weird. I made it to work, thank God. After work, I managed to make it down the mountain and back up my mountain to the garage, praying the whole time. By this time my husband, Les, was on his way home from work. He stopped at the garage, spoke to the mechanic, and brought me home. The next day we found out my car needs over $700.00 worth of work. We all know that means at least $1,000.00. We decided to not fix my car right now. I’d drive the blazer and Les would drive the bus. There, problem temporarily solved, or so I thought. I jumped in the blazer the next day, it would NOT start. Thank God my neighbor let me use his car for a few days. Then, the next day the breaks went on the bus. Yup three cars & not one works. Les was able to fix the bus. He has spent two weekends, so far, trying to fix the blazer. In the mean time we, when I say we I mean my hubby, bought a new truck. No it's not brand new, but it's new to us. He was able to get it with no down payment. That’s a good thing, cause we ain't got no money. (Do ya hear the southern draw there?)

So now I plan on going to Florida and my car breaks. No biggie, I was going to take the blazer anyway. I had faith if I was supposed to celebrate my father’s 80th birthday with him God would make it possible. Then........ Yup the blazer broke down. Ok God, you win, I won't go to Florida. I accepted this. Perhaps God is protecting me, after all I HATE driving. 12 hours is a long time for me to drive. When we travel Les usually does most of the driving. I called my sister to tell her i didn’t think i could make it to the celebration. My sister, Debbie, said maybe it’s Satan messing with you. I didn't think so. My stubbornness then decided to pray "Dear God if I'm supposed to go you will provide me with $200.00 by Friday.” I’d get another job; find money someplace, somehow, if I was supposed to go God would make it happen. Well, last weekend came & went no money, no birthday party for me :-(. Ok God, I listened. Now I'm upset I have no car, my business isn't going very well. I'm looking for another job..... I'm sad I couldn't go to Florida. It will soon be getting cold here, I hate the cold. Yup I'm miserable. Sometimes I just want to have a pity party, and that's ok, after all I am human.

My husband called me on Wednesday, at lunch time, to ask when we could go get the blazer. He had towed it to his friend’s house on Sat to work on it there. (They got the blazer drivable, but he's unsure how safe it is, and how long it will be drivable) His friend's house is an hour and a half away. I told Les I would change my daughter’s doctor appointment & we would go tonight. Now I had to drive the bus (10 miles a gallon) to pick up Krystal from school early. The school is about 20 minutes away. Then I had to drive another 20 minutes in the other direction to the doctor. I was not a happy camper, but ya gotta do what ya gotta do. On the way down the mountain, to the doctor's, I was complaining to Krystal. She reminded me that God is an eleventh hour God. Yeah yeah yeah. I didn't want to hear that, but she's right. Don't ya love it when your kids throw your words back at you? I ran into a friend, who I've known for 6 months, at the doctor's office. She asked how I was. I, for some crazy reason decided to dump ALL my troubles on her. I told her we are still having car troubles, blah blah blah. We chatted for a moment, she asked me to stop by and get some tomatoes before they went bad. I told her we would be there shortly. -Judy is this great lady; she has had her problems, like all of us, and overcame them with such Grace, and love. I always feel very upbeat after talking to her. If I had not been going to get the blazer, if I had not changed Krystal's appointment, I would have never ran into my friend. Chatting with her for ten minutes was a nice gift. - While I was at her home, this angle of a lady gave me a huge bunch of fresh cut flowers too. As I was putting the goodies into the back of the bus she stuck something in my pocket, said “it’s a gift from God and we don't have to talk about it.". I said thank you very much, but you don't have to do that. I figured it was a few dollars for gas, or to grab a pizza...... When I got in the bus and looked to see what it was, I couldn't help but to cry. She had placed four $50.00 bills in my pocket. What a blessing. We went to get the blazer. Les drove it home. It survived the trip. On the way home I blasted my Christian music & rocked out. I am incredibly blessed. Now I know this next part sounds crazy, (as if the first part doesn’t) but I was about 2 miles from my house, and a deer ran out in front of me. I haven't even seen a deer in over a year. Up north I saw them every day, down here, not so much. Let me tell you, I love animals. At that moment I KNEW, without a shadow of a doubt, that everything will work out. Last week I prayed for $200.00 to go to Florida. That conversation was between me and God. I told no one else. God did not feel it was time for me to travel. I listened. A week later I was "given the same amount of money I prayed for.” Coincidence????? I think not. We are told to pray about everything, pray without ceasing. God might say yes, he might say no, and he might say wait my child. Today Les will spend his third weekend working on the blazer; I will pray God gives him the knowledge to fix it. I do believe the third times a charm. I didn't like driving the bus because it's very big, and I can't see out the back window very well to back up. I now have no problems going in reverse. Les and I plan on doing some major traveling in the future. I guess God wants me to be comfortable driving something big. Perhaps tomorrow I'll tow around the camper, just for fun. By the way, I have not yet mastered the skill of getting in and out of the bus with a dress on, I'm working on it though. Go out and be a blessing to someone else. Expect nothing in return. I promise, you will be amazed.

Happy Birthday Dad.

Eighty years ago today the world was blessed with an amazing man, Franklin Hommel. I am incredibly fortunate to have the privilege of calling him my DAD.

Dad, There are so many wonderful memories you have given me. One of my earliest memories is when you would take me to Couches’ Corner to buy the newspaper. I couldn't have been more then 3. Do you remember that? You use to put me on your lap, when you mowed the lawn. I use to be your unofficial flashlight holder when you were fixing something & needed more light. I loved Tuesdays as a young girl, you would pick me up from Brownies, and then we would go grocery shopping. I know ya probably don't remember any of that, that's ok, because I do. Even though I'm sure I use to gripe about mowing the lawn, and stacking wood I am so grateful you taught me life skills too. You would get up early every morning and go to work. I don't remember you ever taking a sick day. See dad, I was paying attention. Dad you have taught me so much, except your math skills. How many nights did you patiently help me with my homework? You had so much more faith in me then I ever had in myself. We would go to Albany to the orthodontist when I had braces. I remember you letting me drive home & you falling asleep. Either you had a great trust in my driving abilities, or maybe you were just praying so hard I only thought you were sleeping. Either way, you teaching me how to drive is a memory I will forever have. I learned to be patient and the value of a parent's unconditional love from you. No matter how disappointed I was with myself, and my actions, you never stopped loving me. Dad, I am so blessed, God gave me you, as my father. I'm so sorry I was not able to come down for your 80th birthday party. Three broken cars kinda got in the way. I love you Dad. Happy 80th birthday.

What if I'm told NO????? WHat is I dont ask??

     Very early Sunday morning, when I woke up, I had a dream fresh in my mind. I had dreamt I was at a local Subway restaurant. In my dream I was standing at the counter, not saying a word. No one spoke to me, or acknowledged I was there. More customers came in, ordered their food, got served, and happily left. I continued to be ignored, I felt invisible. This went on for a little bit. I started yelling at the employees behind the counter, then I insisted on speaking to the manager.

     I spent some time thinking about this dream today. Why was I over looked? Why did nobody see me? Why wasn't I getting served? Didn't I deserve service? Why hadn't I spoken up nicely, instead of yelling and screaming? Why was I making a seine?

     I'm thinking this dream goes back to my needs not being met. I don't know how to communicate them. In my dream I was just standing there, saying nothing. Am I ashamed to talk, be recognized? Do I think I don't deserve my needs to be met. Do I think others should know what I need if I don't communicate my needs?

     I'm asking myself a lot of questions. I guess I need to answer them. Why am I overlooked? Why am I ashamed of me? Perhaps I don't want to be noticed. I don't want to attract attention to myself. I want to just blend in with everyone else. If I go unnoticed I won't create any conflict. People won't see my character defects. They won't notice that I am insecure.

      In my dream I didn't speak up, why? If I ask for something, and do not get it, I will be disappointed. So often I was told no when I asked for something. After years of being told no, I've decided it's easier not to ask. Why risk the rejection and disappointment. I, at times, like to think my loved ones should know my needs and wants. I've learned, they are not able to read my mind, thank God. I can't read theirs either.

     My refusal to communicate my needs leads to feelings of anger and resentment. I start screaming, yelling, and make a fool out of myself, all because I wouldn't ask for what I needed. I could avoid so much misery if I just could learn how to communicate.

     Before I ask for something now I understand I may be told no. I think about how that might feel. I think about is this a need I can fill for myself, without help? I decide to ask, or not. If I choose not to ask I can only be angry at myself.

     Do I think too much about my dreams? I don't think so. I believe if God wants me to look at an issue within me, or outside me, he will get me to look at it however he can. My God knows me, better than I know me. He wants me to look at my issues. He wants me happy. I am a work in progress.  The next time I'm in Subway I will be friendly, and politely place my order.

My Bud is 16

My Buddy

     WHAT, I just had a baby, I can't be pregnant AGAIN.  Wow what a shocker it was to learn you had been growing in me four months and I didn't even know it. Yup, sounds crazy, but it's true. I was a little nauseous, but I blamed that on the medicine I was on for my heart.

     It seems like as soon as my pregnancy was confirmed I started feeling you move in my swelling belly. Again I had some complications with being pregnant. I went into labor with you, Brian, much too early. The doctors put me on medicine and told me to stay in bed.  With a 9-10 month old that didn't happen. I did my best to take care of myself, and you.  I had several ultra sounds. The last one I had showed you were losing weight, ya needed to come out. My doctor told me on Thursday to stop taking the meds.  He would see me on Monday, if not sooner.

     Very early Saturday morning I stood up and my water broke. We took Krystal to your grandmas, and we headed to the hospital. My back hurt so bad. I was having back labor. I was hooked up to monitors to check your heart rate. With every contraction your tiny heart would stop. The doctor had to get you out, and fast. I would have to have an emergency c section.  At that point I just wanted you OUT.  As soon as they gave me the epidermal the pain stopped. What a relief.

     When you were born, you didn't cry, and they wouldn't let me see you. Within 10 minutes the nurse placed you on my chest. You were so very tiny. Just a little under 5 pounds.  Your nose was crooked because of the way you were inside me. My little man was covered with very fine hair. I instantly fell deeply in love with you.  There was no question in my mind if I could handle caring for two babies.

     Bud you are such an entertaining young man. You have a great, ok warped since of humor.  The love you have for animals is exquisite.  The other day you were noticing something with amazement. That really touched my heart.  

     You told me I'm not allowed to post pictures of you on face book. I am also not allowed to tag you in my posts, or you will de friend me. Ya never said anything about blogging about you. :-P~~~~.

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH MY BUD!!!

Bud refuses to let me take his picture, so I had to sneak the recent one.

rest in PEACE

     I had no intention of writing about this, but on my way down the mountain on Saturday morning, as I was admiring  the beautiful sun rise, I felt the need to share this.  I  hope my experiance can help someone else.  I know talking about it helps me.

      On September 23, 1989, the day hurricane Hugo hit NY, I married the man who would be taken from this earth much to soon.  Brian Keith Chewens SR past away September 24th, 2008.  God decided to end Brian's pain in the same month that we got married, the same month both our children were born. 

     Looking back on it now, our  marriage  was never a happy one.  Yes,  there were happy moments.  I would not go back and do it differently.  I have no regrets.  I am blessed with two amazing children, and a great deal of knowledge about the  deceases  my ex husband sufferd with.

     I am not sure of the year, maybe 2004, Brian was rushed to the emergency room for what we thought was  appendicitis.    I'm  a pacer, so I spent the night in the ER pacing back and forth, thinking about Brian needing 6  weeks to recover from surgery.  Little did I know this night was only the BEGINNING of this chapter.  Brian was diagnosed with colan cancer that had spread to his appendix. I got the doctor's report, researched his type of cancer, adenocarcinoma. I learned everything I could.  I learned there was a very good chance this type of cancer would come back, and take his life.  Several surgeries, chemo, tears, nights pacing,  later he was in remition.  -- While Brian was sick with cancer we got along great, we really pulled together as a couple--  When he went right back to his old habits, and behaviors I decided I could no longer subject myself,  or my children to this lifestyle.  I moved out of our home,  with our children.  Brian was rediagnosed about a year later.  We were at a point in our relationship, by this time, that we could have a conversation without yelling at eachother.  I am incredably greatful for this.  Brian was afraid to die, & fought for his life with everything he had.  In January of 2008 he was given 2 weeks to live.  He lived 9 more months.

       I am very glad that Brian was surrounded by people who love him during his last few months.  I am incredibly  great full for his baby brother, who cared for him with such love, & respect.  I know that I  wasn't strong enough to do that.  I wasn't strong enough to be there when he passed away either.  I am so great full that I was able to apoligize to Brian for the bad parts of our relationship that I was responsible for.

       His death was hard on me, as Brians ex wife, we had a huge history.  We had 17 years together.  Even though I hated him, I loved him incredibly. I had remarried by the time Brian past away, it was hard for me to figure out my place during and after his death.   After all we had a lengthy history, and I am the mother of our children.   I think some people were surprised to see me at Brian's funeral. Some people I knew for almost 20 years walked past me like they didn't even know me. Oh well. That's a reflection of them,not me.

     Yes, I had resentment towards Brian.  I let go of my resentment. The only person they were hurting was me.

     To those of you thinking about, remembering Brian today, his children, his mother, his brothers, his aunts and uncles, his friends,........I pray you seek and find comfort in our Lord.  I  pray Brian came to terms with his life, and his death.  I pray his sins were forgiven, and God welcomed him into his eternal  home.  May you rest forever in peace, B.

toxic people

Toxic people, to me, are people who drain me of my serenity, my happiness, my self. We all have different character traits we find acceptable. Someone who is incredible toxic to me may be your best friend.

Many years ago I had a friend, just for the sake of giving her a name, let's call me Marie ( not her real name). She was very sad, always mad & always wanted to get revenge. Why was I friends with her, I HAVE NO IDEA, no wait, I thought I could HELP her. Silly me. We hadn't spoken for a hand full of years. I heard her father past away, so I did the right thing, sent her a card, and paid my respects at the funeral home. She could not go to the viewing, but her husband was there. The next day Marie called me. We talked for a while, filled eachother in on what we had been up to over the years........ We ended up becoming friends again. Yup, she was still very angry, thought the world owed her for her HORRIBLE life. Thank God she had no children. We spoke on a regular basis for a few months, grabbed lunch a few times.... Yeah, a friendship. Marie just stopped calling me, out of the blue. Ok, whatever. I went on with my life, got divorced, remarried..... Yeah, life stuff. Out of nowhere I got a message on my phone from Marie. She said she owed me an apology, would I please call her. I talked to my husband about her. We agreed it sounded like a "make direct amends when ever possible thing;-)" so I called her back, silly me. Marie apologized for just ending our relationship, & a few other things. I accepted her apology. She told me she had left her husband, and filled me in on a bunch of other drama. It was obvious in about 10 minutes that she had not changed. We ended the conversation, she left me a few messages, I never called her back.

She was very toxic to me. Perhaps others could deal with this crazy chick, I no longer could. I could have called her back, and limited the time I spent with her, but I didn't. She was very needy in our friendship. I dont have the time, or energy for that any more.

Someone was telling me the other day that a friend of his always lies to him. His friend is always loud, and angry, rude, and disrespectful. After I listened to my friend, heard his thoughts, I told him if I was in his situation I would end that friendship. I have to protect myself, keep my inner joy. If someone in my life sucks the energy from me, They gotta go.

I know we have to live next too, work with, difficult people every day, ya don't have to be friends with them.


I have grow, I have changed. I realize I can NOT be around people who are always miserable. I deserve inner peace, I can't have that if I'm involved with toxic people. My serenity is very important to me. I LOVE my quiet, simple life.

Take your time......

..........and pray. First I need to say I am not trying to push my God on anyone. We are all free to choose our own higher power. God is the higher power of my choice. I haven't been sleeping well, it's a hormonal thing, so I know "this too shall pass". My mind was going crazy a couple of days ago, also hormonal. First things first, Thank you God, my human body is healthy, my parts are working the way they are suppose to. I could not get my thoughts together long enough to accomplish a full sentence. I prayed God please help me focus as part of my morning prayer. About an hour later I was talking to a friend, she told me she was feeling down, depressed. My first thought was "we'll be miserable together". I want to help my friend, all I could do was pray for her, that is enough. I began to focus on her, praying for God to be with her, and lift her depression. I then realized I didn't receive my daily scripture text from a friend. I text her. Her response was "please pray for ----his family lost a loved one who was only 16". I focused on praying for this family. As I was praying God told me (no i don't hear God with my ear, I hear him with my heart) to use my inability to settle my mind to pray for those in need. I began going down my list of people I pray for daily, my children, my husband, my parents.......... I then asked people if I could pray for them. The response was overwhelming. Peoples needs are many. I offered myself as a messenger, to ask God to be with his people. I pray, talk to God, as I'm going about my day, as I'm doing dishes, driving, cooking..... Ok I'll admit it, I do my best praying while I'm in the shower, my shower is like my private prayer closet. I won't be interupted by kids screaming, the phone ringing....

Heavenly Father, I humbly come before you to offer praise for the wonderful life you have given us, my healthy children, my loving husband. Lord thank you for the female physical body you have given me, thank you that my physical self is healthy & works the way you designed it to. Father I ask that you help my mind to slow down, to refocus, help my mind to feel your peace, the peace that I can only receive from you. You know I've tried other ways to fill that void I can only fill with You. Father thank you for all the people who honored me by asking me to pray for them. Thank you for each one of them. Heavenly Lord I ask that you be with those who are physically sick, dear Lord, heal their bodies, give them a inner peace as they are waiting for test results. Comfort them. Father I ask that you be with those who are lonely, facing depression, lack of self worth, scarred relationships, may we know our value to YOU, feel Your love. Father please be with those who you have trusted to parent your children, keep our babies safe, help us guide our children along their path. Help us to trust in you Lord. Father please bless us financially, help us to be able to pay those unexpected bills, may our financial situation not effect our relationships. Father I ask that you bless all those praying with me. Father thank YOU, THANK YOU for who you are to me. Thank YOU for being the one friend I can always turn to, the one who will NEVER leave me, the one who provides me with unconditional love. I LOVE YOU LORD, my savior. In your SONS name we pray AMEN. I continue to be amazed by how praying for others heals my soul, slows me down. It feeds me. I am so blessed, honored, to have people in my life who trust me to pray for them. I also feel very blessed that I've learned to listen to God.

Some Awesome words from a Sidewalk Prophets song; Last time we spoke, You said you were hurting, And I felt your pain in my heart, I want to tell you, That I keep on praying, Love will find you where you are, I know cause I've already been there, So please hear these simple truths, Be strong in the Lord and, Never give up hope, You're going to do great things, I already know, God's got His hand on you so, Don't live life in fear, Forgive and forget, But don't forget why you're here, Take your time and pray, Thank God for each day, His love will find a way,

Good Morning Glory

As I set out for a walk a few mornings ago I was drawn to the morning glories across the street from my driveway. Down here in the south morning glories are everywhere, they are considered a weed. Up in NY they are considered a flower, we plant them, water them, feed them, enjoy them. These weeds come in several different colors, pink white, blue purple..... I think they are a beautiful flower. Did you know they form a new blossom every day? I will continue to enjoy them, although I yank them out of my vegetable garden;-). It's all about perception. Do I chooses to see morning glories as a flower, or do I choose to see them as a weed? That 7000 sg ft house you drive past every day on your way to work looking at it you are green with envy, DON'T be. Things are not always how they look. Did you know the people who live in that huge beautiful house have not said a kind word to each other in years. Their 26 year old son, who dropped out of school, lives in their garage. He stayed up all night doing drugs & playing video games. Are ya still jealous of them?

I use to hate autumn, it reminds me that winter is on it's way. All the leaves die & fall off the trees. All the grass dies. All the beautiful, colorful flowers turn brown. I was talking to my husband about this a few years ago, he told me NO everything is not DEAD it's just resting so it can bloom again in the spring. Then he used all technical terms ( he has a degree in horticulture) so I blocked that part out;-). Now, I still hate winter, but I look at it a different way. The beautiful colors of the spring & summer are just napping. It's all about perspective. Do I want to be angry there is mud on my kitchen floor because of my husbands boots, or will I be grateful my husband has muddy boots, it means he has a job to get dirty at. Will I be stressed because my teenagers have all kinds of drama, or will I rejoice that I have healthy children who can have normal teenage issues. Some of our perspective is programed into us. We are raised to believe a morning glory is a weed. I can change my thoughts at any time. Yup my thoughts are my choice. (yes changing my thoughts takes practice). I will choose to continue to view morning glories as a beautiful gift from my God.

“Change the way you look at things and the things you look at change.” ― Wayne W. Dyer

My beautiful Rose

My Krystal Rose. Early in 1995 I was drinking a glass of orange juice, & I dropped it. I looked at your father & said "I'm pregnant" ( please don't try to understand this, I just knew). My suspicions were confirmed. I would be meeting you mid Oct., or so we though. I loved being pregnant with you. To have a human life growing inside me was such a blessing. I never got physically sick during my pregnancy, I felt like i was going to though. As I got further along in my pregnancy I loved feeling you kick, & hiccup. I had some complications, so I had to have non stress tests every other day, the last few months of my pregnancy. One of the nurses told me to drink orange juice before the ultra sounds, the sugar would make you move more. I would eat honey buns & juice, & enjoy feeling you jumping around my belly. On Friday Sept 7, I went to the doctor, he said he wanted to deliver you next week. WHAT!!!!! I thought I had another month. You were loosing weight in my uterus, you wanted out. Because you were breach, & high risk we decided on a C- section. The secretary called later in the day with the date of your scheduled birth. Sept 12th. Sept 12 would have been your grandparents wedding anniversary. Your grandpa Chewens had past away the previous Dec, so I knew this would be a hard day for your grandma. I was pleased with Gods plan to have you born on this day. Grandma Linda was in the delivery room with us. What a great new way to remember this date.

As soon as you were born the doctor held you up, all I saw where these huge, beautiful blue eyes. My Krystal Rose. Such a tiny little baby, you weighed a little more then a 5 pound bag of sugar. The last 17 years have been an awesome journey my beautiful Rose. You have taught me so much about myself, about life. I look at you & constantly feel like I'm looking in a mirror. Your expressions, your reactions to situations....... all of you. My monkey ( yup that's what I call ya) you are an amazing young lady. It blows my mind that you are 17. I am so proud of the girl you are, the beautiful young lady you are becoming. You have taught me so much more then you will ever know (perhaps when you are 35 & have your own kids you'll understand this) Please don't ever doubt yourself, don't ever doubt your worth. I LOVE YOU so much my KRYSTAL ROSE!!!

Remember the song I use to sing you, in the tune of " you are my sunshine"- mommy loves her Krystal, Krystal Krystal roses Krystal rose, Krystal rose . Happy birthday my most favorite girl. What I wanted most for my daughter was that she be able to soar confidently in her own sky, whatever that may be. -- Helen Claes

Today is world suicide prevention day. My mother took her own life over 30 years ago. I remember it so clearly. I can't say what her thoughts were on December 1, 1981 I can only guess how sad she must have been to think her life had no value, to think her hudband, parents, siblings, children would be better off without her. This cold winter day was not my mothers first attempt at taking her own life, but it was her final attempt.

When I allowed myself to think about my mothers death, I use to feel anger. I felt my mom was very selfish for her actions. Recently, I was reading an email from a relative of ours, and I was overcome by compassion for Mary Lou Watts Hommel, my mom. Most people who take their own life think that suicide is the only answer, the only way to fix their pain. If you have been so depressed as to feel this way, I thank God you are reading this. Here are some suicide Warning Signs; •Talking about suicide •Seeking out lethal means •Preoccupation with death •No hope for the future •Feelings of hopelessness •Self-loathing, self-hatred •Feelings of worthlessness, guilt, shame, and self-hatred •Getting affairs in order •Making out a will •Saying goodbye Unusual or unexpected visits or calls to family and friends to say goodbye •Withdrawing from others •Self-destructive behavior •Increased alcohol or drug use, •Taking unnecessary risks as if they have a "death wish." •Sudden sense of calm The suicide hot line phone number is; 800-273-8255 “Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.” FYI when I was outside taking pictures for this blog, I stuck my hand under a big beutiful flower & got stung by a bee. Bees will be bees.

Tissues, issues, yup I got 'em.

Tissues, issues, yup I got 'em.  Intersecting, when I was thinking about blogging I figured I'ld write about gardening, my animals, cooking........  All morning I thought about what to write about first, the list is miles long. I am feeling very overwhelmed to tell you about something I've struggled with forever, well it feels like forever. I am hoping my experience, strength, & hope will benefit others. That being said, I am posting about MY truth, or should I say my interpretation of my truth........... "The opinions expressed here were strictly those of the person who gave them, take what you like & leave the rest".........(words from my favorite 12 step program) abandon[ uh-ban-duh n ] verb (used with object) 1. to leave completely and finally; forsake utterly; desert: to abandon one's farm; to abandon a child; to abandon a sinking ship. Almost 6 years ago I made a choice to stop the crazyness in my life, & begin to work on me(cause nobody else was gonna).  During this process I realized one of my issues was abandonment. Here is what I learned;  As a small girl my mother was in & out of the hospital often, or atleast it appeared that way to the child who just needed her mom's unconditional love.  My mother committed suicide 10 days before  my 13 birthday. Yup that WILL give you some abandonment issues.  The few relationships I've had with men, boys, I always ended before they had the opportunity to abandon me. As I'm writing this I'm realizing that I left my first husband because he was an alcoholic &  addict, I  could no longer, after 17 years,  watch him spiral downward.  Is that really why I left, or is it because he was in remission & deep down I knew the cancer would come back & take his life?  Again, I had to leave him before he abandoned me. This is something I will look into deeper, or not.  My current husband ( I hate the way that sounds),  has traveled on business, & for pleasure.  He is one of those people who needs to "see what's over there", always wanting to see new places.  When he would travel without me I use to feel so abandoned, a horrible pain deep in my heart, he needs to get away from me, I'm such a horrible person......., he's never coming back.  When he was gone he would call me,I'ld be angry, have a bad attitude.  When he returned I would "punish him" ( again, bad attitude, just misranle to live with.    Time & time he left, time & time he came back. He LOVES & wants to be with ME??  Holy crap, I'm lovable. ( I'll write more about that later, maybe.).  This cycle has been going on for almost 6 years. I asked  "God I've looked at this, I've asked you to remove my short comings, WHY have you not taken this away, I don't want it any more, it's too painful.   The response God gave me was " I will not leave you". Wow!!!!!!  To me that was huge. God will never leave ME!!!!  People are people, they come & go, they have to take care of themselves too.  If that means going in the woods for a few days by himself, so be it.  If it means making $ out of town, then that's what it means, there is no reason for me to dig deeper into it.       I have learned that God will keep giving me the same test over & over again, it's my response to the question that I need to change. He will remove my shortcoming, I just need to let him.  He'll move the mountain, I need to bring the shovel.  A few weeks ago my husband went away, without me, for the weekend.  He called me while he was away & thanked me for not giving him a hard time about him needing some "alone time".  That made me feel awesome, seeing my recovery at work.  Today my abandonment issues are removed, tomorrow, well tomorrow we'll cross that bridge when we get there. (hey nobody's perfect)   In the beginning of this week my husband told me he wanted to go camping this weekend, he asked if I wanted to go. I thought about it, we have traveled a lot this summer, I would rather stay home this time. This morning my hubby jumped in his bus, dog in tow, without me.   Les I hope you enjoy your weekend camping & collect a little bit of serenity along the way. I will gather my serenity by canning something, sleeping late, hogging the WHOLE bed, spending time reading,  enjoying my teens & being grateful for the wonderful life God has given me.  ....."for it is the LORD your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.”

There is a kink in my hose

There is a kink in my hose Funny how God reminds of us of things when we are quiet enough to hear him.   When I started watering my garden,  I squeezed the handle, trigger, whatever it's called, no water came out of the hose. I had already stretched the hose out all the way to the far garden, it's got to be a couple hundred feet, or more.  Great now I  have to walk the length of the hose & look for the kink. I didn't want to do that,  I just wanted to water my gardens!!!!!!!!  As I was walking, to find the kink, I was reminded of a few things;  First, if there is a problem in my life & my life is not working the way I want it to I NEED to take a few steps back, to find the problem. Yup I dont like back tracking either, but sometimes I have no other choice if I want to move forward.  Usually if a problem comes up over & over & over it's an old issue. I need to find out where it came from. Do I always need to be perfect, does it bother me when my kids ............  How about when my best friend always....... Some times I need to go all the way back to my childhood to understand why I "do that", why that bothers me so much.  Sometimes I only need to go back a few years. Either way, I need to face it (accept there is a problem) trace it,(understand where the problem comes from) & erase it. (ask for help from God) yup finding the kink in your hose, the root of your discomfort, is painful, trust me it's worth it to be happy, joyful, & free.  I have learned not to search to hard to figure out why I'm so insecure, jelouse, controlling, manipulative, mothering, sarcastic,..........  When I am ready to learn that lesson, God will show me the answers as long as my mind is open enough to see the answers.  I do not rush my journey, if I do I am sure to miss some amazing views.  I started my journey to a better me 6 years ago.  I've worked a program, done 12 steps, done some steps what feels like 12 times.  My growth will never be done, I will never be done exploring what makes me who I am. As long as I can still take a breath of air painful issues will keep coming up, I will continue to dig deeper to find the root of my issue.  Turns out the hose was kinked all the way by the spigot.   I unkinked it. Great now I can enjoy providing my flowers with some of what they need to grow.   As I was walking back to the other end of the garden hose, to water my flowers, I noticed the feeling of the grass under my bare feet. Perhaps if I wore shoes a little more often I wouldn't keep stubbing my toes.  1 Peter 5:10 And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.

Sticks & stones.

Who ever said sticks and stones will break your bones, but words can never hurt you is a big fat LIER!!!!      Have ya read the book " The Four agreements"?  The first agreement is;  Be Impeccable With Your Word Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.      Easier said then done. I often say stuff I don't mean because I suffer from sarcasm.  I also don't say what I mean because I don't want others to think I'm stupid, or I don't want to hurt someone.  I wonder how many people don't say what they want to because they are afraid they'll sound stupid?  Ok this is not where I had planned on going with this, but here goes;..........       Being the youngest of 4 girls, ya know how girls are, it was hard to get a word in, hard to express myself verbally. I think because of this I am loud & speak fast, no I speak very fast.  I felt like my opinion didn't matter, my thoughts didn't matter. -  I will now say this is just my feelings, it was more then likely not FACT. I've learned my feelings are not fact. -          My sister who is 15 months older then me & i use to argue, a lot, yup sisters do that.  It seemed as though I was always the one getting in trouble for being loud & fighting. Again, I'm loud because I feel I am not heard, I speak fast to say what I have to say before I am interrupted.       With the help Of some very amazing people ( you know who you are) I've learned that what I have to say is important, I can speak & not be interrupted.  I feel heard.  I have practiced speaking slowly, mainly because I hate repeating myself;-)      Now back to" be impeccable with your words" that is a very slow proccess for me. There are times I bite my tounge, because believe it or not,  I think some stuff occasionally that is not very nice.  I now, very often, think long & hard about how I am going to express myself verbally, especially when I need to talk about something that could create conflict.  I try very hard to express how I feel ( it hurts me when....), not "you're an idiot, why did you do that.  I mean what I say, I try not to say it mean.       Gossip, this too I am working on. I check my motives when I talk about someone. Do I want to talk about them to help them, to ask for prayer for them. Or is my talk "can you believe she......" just to gossip.       I try to use my words in the direction of truth & love. When you call you child, husband,..........  Ugly, fat, stupid,........ that hurts, it scars, especially if it is someone who values your opinion, someone who looks up to you. I let things others say control who I was for a very long time. (I'll get into this later I'm sure). Sticks & stones can break my bones, words can scar me for life.  Proverbs 12:18  There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.

Why worry?

Worry, why?       Im sitting in bed, on sunday night trying to unwind & get about 6-8 hrs of rest.  All the sudden the dread of "in 3 days my boy is having oral surgery" popped in my head.   My daughter had her wisdom teeth taken out a hand full of months ago. She had anistichia .  I never had anistigia before,  so my experiance is limited.  Krystal was very upset & confused after her procedure.  I had a two hour drive on the way home with her.  I do wish I had a responsable adult to drive us home.  I did not feel like a responsible  adult AT ALL.  I was so upset to see me girl like that.  I don't want to relive those feelings with my son on Wed.         I am so blessed that those feelings of anxiety went away seconds after they popped up. Yup holding onto worry IS a choice.  Letting go of worry Is something I  have learned how to do.   The old me would have held onto that worry for days.  I would have been impossible   to live with, snappy & short tempered.  Of course that would have lead to the stomach issues, yeah its not pretty, that goes along with me being an emotional mess.  Its great how my mental mumbo jumbo effects my body too.        All worring is going to do is make me missrsble for days.  Not just me but everyone around me.  Thank God I now know that worrying is not helpfull AT ALL.  I choose instead to lift my son in prayer, as I  do every day.  For me prayer is so much more benificial then worrying.  I'll let God take care of my son, he'll do a better job then I will, after all he is His child first.             -My boy, Brian, ( I call him Bud cause he's MY BUD) went through his procedure just fine.  He was laughing when he woke up. The first thing he said to me was that he met Bob Marley.  He has a few days of recovery. Now hopefully his teeth will no longer hurt, & they will stay straight. Brian does have beautiful teeth.  I don't know where he got them from. -       Don't get me wrong, I use to love to worry.  Worrying feed me, I lived to worry.  Not worrying takes a lot of practice,  kinda like learning to ride a bike.  I fell learning to ride my bike,  lots of skinned knees & band aids, but I wanted so badly to be able to ride that beautiful bike, so I stuck with it & kept trying, I did not give up.  I will not give up on handing over my worries. Psalm 55:22 Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken. On a side note, if you are not a "God person" turn your worries over to whoever your higher power is.  

Are your roots bound?

Are you root bound?

     About a week ago I was at the home of a lady who was recently in the hospital for about a week. She can't get around well, so she asked me to throw out a plant for her. This plant had not been watered in some time. I knew that if I just watered it all would be well.  I shared my opinion about the plant with her. ( I probably should not have done that, being she didn't ask for my opinion)  she told me to take the plant home.

       I took the plant home, watered it, put it in just the right amount of sun, and left it alone. This morning I decided I would finally get around to repotting the plant.  When I dumped the plant out of the pot it was in I noticed it was incredibly root bound. It's roots were so intertwined & stuck in a pot much to small for it. I gently pulled it apart, separated it, pruned it, &  replanted it in three different vessels, allowing it room to regain it's original health, & grow.

 As I was taking care of this plant I thought about how I was so very root bound, stuck in a small pot, all tangled up, no room to grow. -Again, please don't try to figure out the way my mind works.-  I was showed a better way. There was absolutely no reason for me to be a tangled up mess. Thoughts & actions all over the place. My mind would always race, even when I was still.   I always had to be busy, focusing, no, obsessing over everything. "will there be enough gas to make it to work, did I remember to let the dog out, did I give the kids lunch money.......... ". None of these things need more then a moments thought, not all days thoughts. None of the things I chose to obsessive about are life threatening, so really, how important is it?  Why does it occupy  so much of my thought?  Because I would rather focus on all kinds of nonsense instead of looking at the BIG stuff, the bound up roots, the lack of water,  pruning, SON shine.

    I oh so gently, with the help of some wonderful friends, began to untangle my roots,  sort them out, figured out where they came from, & where they go,  if I still needed them, or did they need to be pruned?

     The root that leads to self  doubt had to be pruned, as well as the root that leads to jealousy,  &  resentments  had to go too.  Several other bitter roots had to go.
The roots that lead to self love, that could stay, I put that piece of my plant in a new vessel, so it could grow bigger, stronger.  Love of others could stay too. As well as serenity (yup that was all the way in the center of the root ball, slowly being strangled to death.) joy was in there too, almost dead from all the other roots, that got a pot of it's own. I needed this piece to grow huge.   There were other beautiful, tiny roots that needed a chance to grow as well.

     We all deserve the opportunity to untangle our roots. The opportunity to get rid of stuff that is no longer working for us.  We need to nourish the good, water it, give it room to grow. I could not imagine living in a tangled up mess ever again. I found serenity, I CAN NOT live without it.

---- I had written this yesterday, and for some reason I didn't post it, I now know why. Last night I allowed a  change in my "norm" to mess up  my peace & serenity.  Time to re adjust my thoughts, look at the root of why I allowed myself to be thrown off last night.----

Philippians 1:9-11
And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless for the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ—to the glory and praise of God.

Following directions, no sorry, can't do it.

     Why can I not follow directions?  I will have a recipe, directions to put a piece of furniture together, a vacuum, .....anything. For some reason I think I know best, even though others have tried it before me, & gave me the directions to put it together so I don't need to drive myself crazy attempting this task.       Before I moved 900 miles away from the only home I had ever known I purchased a GPS. It's the best investment I ever made. I would still be trying to get off my road without my GPS. I am somewhat familiar with my area now, so occasionally I won't listen to the GPS. Last week I was coming home from Chattanooga, I decided to take a right up the mountain instead of going straight and going up the mountain in 30 miles. Well I got lost, even though my GPS kept telling me to make a UTURN.  I was getting tired of hearing that voice yell at me, so I just shut it off. Although the views were very pleasant, it took me almost an additional hour to get home.       When I am cooking, trying out a new recipe, I always add a little more of this, don't add that........ I very rarely measure. I had to measure when I started canning,I  love my family, i dont want to poison them.   Sometimes my creations are delicious, other times my husband says please  don't do that again. My husband will eat just about anything.       Remember when you were in school, your teacher told you to follow directions?  Yeah I wasn't good at that either.  WHY do I always think I know a better way. Directions are there for a reason.  I'm almost 44, I still struggle with this.       I need to listen to those who have done it before me, made mistakes, learned from them & shared their knowledge with me.       If everything else fails, read the directions.